Elders Don't Leave Bruises

This is probably where most men prove their qualification, or lackthereof, to be an elder.

I know this is a story I've told before, but it bears repeating for this post.

I had missed our last LIFE group meeting when my leader told me about a prolonged discussion our group had had. It centered around the frequency we had communion in our worship services. The group discussion was "spirited", emotional, passionate. The members shared how important communion is to them and how meaningful of a worship experience it is. I asked how often the group members would like for us to do it. My leader replied, "We thought monthly would be the best frequency." I asked, "How often do you think we do it?" He replied, "We think it's done about quarterly."

The group had drawn conclusions, made decisions, and were pretty fired up about what they wanted to communicate to me about what needed to change in our worship planning.

Interesting. When I informed our leader that we actually do communion monthly our discussion changed a bit. Some of our group members serve in Children's ministry regularly and miss some worship services. But, some just didn't come to church when we did communion. They had their reasons.

Of course, what I wanted to say was, "So, how important is communion and worship really?! When you sleep in or just don't make it to church on Sunday you can't come back at me and tell me how important communion is."

But I can't say that. As a leader I understand that I am going to be critiqued on a regular basis and in a lot of areas. And, unfortunately, some of the time the conclusions, decisions and reactions are based upon perceptions that are not reality.

Some of time the input I get is incredibly valuable as I have blindspots. I'll be the first to tell you how imperfect I am. And, when you have regular opportunities to display your imperfections, like I do on a weekly basis, there are about 100 people who clearly observe every flaw that I display. In order for me to grow and improve in what I do I need to know where I'm swinging and missing.

People pointing out my actual imperfections is hard enough. But, when they point out their perceptions of my imperfections that are not exactly accurate; now that's a tough situation to react to.

Let me paraphrase Titus 1:7. An elder is humble and takes people's criticsm well. He doesn't go off on them and point out their numerous flaws and imperfections in order to deflect from his own. He doesn't drink to forget the people he's in charge of shepherding. Of course that's because the people will still be there when he sobers up. He doesn't drink to ease the pain of their stinging barbs. That's because they'll just repeat them and add "drunkard" to their list. He won't leave bruises on the people he's shepherding. And, he won't demand a raise for all the critiquing he receives.

There are a number of decisions that elders make that are not obvious to the people. The rank and file only see the tip of the iceberg. There are decsions that cannot be discussed for good reasons and the people need to trust the elders.

I've been quesioned pointedly about why I had to ask for our Children's Ministry Director's resignation a couple of years ago. I can't give you the details due to confidentialities. But I can tell you it was a no-brainer. I didn't wrestle with the decision. What I wrestled with was how to care for her in light of what she had done and what we had to do. But, there are those whose preceptions of the situation are not the reality and their conclusion is that I didn't handle it appropriately.

So, re-read Titus 1:7 in light of how a man critiques his elders and staff and in light of how a man receives the critiques of others. Now, set out to qualify yourself.

Have I mentioned lately that elders get critiqued on a regular basis?

When Right Isn't Obvious

So, how are the wisemen who visited Jesus like East Texas firemen? They both come from 'afar'.

Okay, sorry. But, having dropped my second child off at college and dealing with a couple of very minor issues with him since and a couple of things with my daughter who's a senior this year have shown me how much harder parenting is from afar than while the kids are still in the house. When I want to do some parenting with my youngest I just have to call him away from the Wii or wait till he gets home from work. Much more convenient.

I was at the Nehemiah Network prayer lunch last week. The Nehemiah Network is a gathering of pastors from all around Central Arkansas. This is the group behind Cityfest and Sharefest. Anyway, one of the pastors from one of the largest churches in the area shared that several years ago his son had been away at college 1 day and they received a call from the ER that he had alcohol poisoning. From the bubble of a sheltered house straight to rush week.

Respond to that. It's your son. Or, it's your pastor's son. Or, it's your fellow elder's son. What do you do? Is there a verse that specifically describes this situation? Is he no longer qualified to be an elder or pastor? Maybe at first he's okay, but what would he have to do over the ensuing weeks to disqualify himself, if anything?

Wise decisions. Would they be a qualifier or filter? Wisdom is not listed in the qualifiers. But it sure is implied in every qualifier. Having one wife, no brainer. Kids raised well. Not arrogant. Not prone to anger. Not a drunkard. Not violent. Not greedy. Hospitable, devoted to good, sensible, upright, devout and self-controlled. It would seem to me that wisdom is the foundation for each of these.

Then, there's the critic. The next qualifier is the ability to recognize sound doctrine, encourage it and correct what's wrong. So, an elder must be a critic. Must be able to criticize humbly. Doctrine isn't just the big and obvious like our doctrinal statement. It is also our doctrinal position that a husband should love his wife like Christ loves the church. So and elder will be a critic of how husbands treat their wives. There are many other behaviors that are doctrinal-based like sacrificial-giving, parenting, worshipping, quiet times, faith-sharing, etc.

Oh, and there's the other side of criticism. Here's a real shocker! An elder will be criticized by members of the congregation, who, by lack of qualification are not elders. An elder must be able to receive criticism humbly and without knocking the critic out.

Joseph didn't have leadership books to help him negotiate the meeting between his family and Pharaoh. Nor did he have any presedence on how the handle the food situation when the people ran out of money. Yet, he demonstrated tremendous wisdom in how he handled both situations.

So, how do you handle situations where there is not a clear right nor wrong? It's your son who's lying in the ER too far away and way too close to death. Or, it's your pastor's son who's lying there and you know some of the people in the church will not respond well to this. You may have some criticism for your pastor. And, you know you will be criticized for how you handle him. How do you receive criticism? How do you give it? Is your doctrine sound?

Can you imagine a church where the people love each other enough only major on major issues and when faced with a major issue they remain united and respectful of one another? It sure would cut down on church-hopping!

The only way to prepare for any of this is by growing in your knowledge of Jesus and the truth that is in keeping with godliness (v.1) A close walk. You'll be ready for much more. Ultimately, isn't that the only qualifier as each verb in the list above is indicative of a man's position in and with Jesus?

There's no way to specifically prepare for everything. But there is a way to prepare for anything. These are the men who will comprise the group from whom our elders will be chosen.

Qualifiers and Filters

I remember when Sara and I first met. It just "clicked". We were both part of the singles class at our church. The first time we ever had an extended conversation was when my roommate and I hosted a party at our apartment. She came. I don't remember anything else about the party, but I do remember Sara.

Now, with nearly adult children, 2 in college, I have a little different perspective on choosing a spouse for them. That whole "just clicking" thing scares me, a lot. I think about all the tatoo'ed, body-pierced, wild-hairs they could possibly "click" with. What really matters? What qualifies someone to be considered spousal material for my child? And, just because they are qualified, are they a good match?

What qualifies someone to be considered spousal material? Well, a Jesus-follower who is walking closely with Jesus. Obviously, faith is the most important and first thing to check. Then, there are plenty of Jesus followers who just aren't following very closely. In my mind, they're DQ'd.

I think of a number of our friends from that group. All of our closest friends were faithful and walking pretty closely. Why, then, did Sara and I end up together and not with any other from that group? By the way, my roommate had a crush on her and I found out later had specifically invited her to that party to ask her out later. She ended up with me. Ooops.

Filters. These are the things like personality, interests, physical attraction, going the same direction in life and common background. She's an abstract thinker and I'm anal. She's creative and I'm concrete. She's more about the people and I'm more about the details. We're both athletic, game-players and competitive. Every time we play a game we keep score because somebody has to lose. If there's blood, tough. Rub a little dirt on it.

Choosing elders is a lot like this. There are the biblical qualifers. Things like husband of one wife, believing and obedient children, humble, hospitable, sensible, and self-controlled. These each are reflective of the condition of a man's heart with tangible expressions that the rest of us can see and judge.

Then, there are filters. These do not carry the weight of the scriptural qualifiers but are important in considering men for elders. At Grace, filters are things like participating in a LIFE Group, leading a group or ministry, attending our worship services (seems like a n0-brainer but notice worship attendance isn't listed in either Titus or Timothy), sacrificial giving (as pastor I have no idea what anyone else but my family gives to Grace but someone will need to know that everyone we're considering gives sacrificially), generous with time, and is committed to and involved in specific and describable ways in our mission of "Bringing LIFE to our Community".

Neither list above, qualifiers or filters, is exhaustive for this post. But you get the idea. All churches would have the same qualifiers. But some of their filters will be different. Fellowship would have similar filters but with dramatically different applications. They have 2 levels of elder. We're a very average sized church. Our elders are much more like associate pastors. There are ministry jobs that have to be done so we have paid and unpaid staff to do them.

Many men should get qualified. Most of these would make it through our filters. This is the pool of men we'd look into to find out who is called.

And with all this, remember, no one needs a title to lead. And if you're waiting to be appointed to a titled role in order to lead you'll probably not ever get appointed. Likewise, just because you may have a title, like pastor or elder, doesn't automatically mean you're a leader. That's when the work begins in earnest.

God is calling men to step up. We have let God down, as a lot, for some time now. We have let the church down. Step up. Qualify yourselves. Filter yourselves. Grace will be a source of LIFE to this community with our impact and influence spreading far and wide according to the number of men who can lead.

Life Isn't Single-Elimination

"All-or-none" deals are crazy. I love the NCAA basketball tournament for that reason. Boise State and TCU football are pretty much in the same boat. Lose once and you're done.

A team could have a great season but lose one game, the wrong game, and there's no way to recover. If it's in the basketball tournament then the season is over. If TCU would have lost to Oregon State or Boise State lost to Va Tech, their season's wouldn't be over but there's no way they'd get to play for the national championship at the end of the year. They'll still get a good bowl game, but not THE bowl game.

Life just isn't that way in too many other arenas. One bad day. One mess up. One weak moment and you're done; for life. It happens enough to scare us. Drink and drive once and life might end. Unprotected sex once and she might get pregnant thus drastically altering the course of your life.

Even the most drastic circumstances, and their systemic consequeces usually can be recovered from. Grace covers just about everything. There's only one sin that can't be forgiven, unbelief. Our bodies heal. Relationships can be restored. Emotions can moderate and get back to normal.

So, are we looking for only perfect men to be elders? If that were the case Jesus wouldn't have assigned us the task of being his witnesses and continuing the work. Either he wouldn't have left or he'd have assigned the job to another species.

So, then, are we looking for a bunch of screw ups to lead? Well, there's an interesting over-reaction. Since nobody's perfect can we expect men to live their lives somewhere well above the bottom level of performance?

Absolutely!

Elders are to be chosen from a group of men who, though are not perfect, maintain a lifestyle of holiness and an attitude of humility at least a little better than the rest. These are men who mess up from time to time but apologize and make it right soon after conviction. These are men who don't mess up as often. These are men of integrity and character. Their public persona matches their private activities. These are men who have a picture in their mind of what God is calling them to be, their family to be and their church. They don't over-react. They don't under-react. They communicate well.

I'm just glad God doesn't deal with us on a "one-loss-and-done" basis. I'd have been done a long time ago. Grace is good.

One's Enough

Great discussion Wednesday guys. We covered lots of ground. I know that a few of you didn't have a lot to say so if we didn't answer a question or address and issue that you have please be sure to bring it up here or next week when we meet again.

Why did we go where we went yesterday? The question was raised in the context of qualification for elder. Well, we needed fully address the issues before we consider how it qualifies someone to be an elder.

Husband of one wife. Polygamy was a significant issue when Paul wrote Titus. I've got my hands full with one wife. I couldn't imagine doing what I do with more that what I've already got. But this issue had to be addressed in 1st century church leadership.

Is a divorced and remarried man a polygamist? Is death the only thing that completely disolves a marriage allowing a man the biblical right to remarry? That's why we looked at Deuteronomy 24:1-2. Remarriage was assumed and not condemned in any way. It was expected to take place. So, the Law guided through remarriage.

Jesus would not have contradicted the Law. In fact, in Matthew 5, the Sermon on the Mount, he reestablished the Law as the standard. People had so lowered the standard that it became a joke. Anything short of intercourse wasn't adultery.

I can see it now. The chief priest before a special prosecutor, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

Jesus returned the bar to its proper place when he said, "if you've lusted after another woman you've sinned."

In talking about divorce he gave one allowable ground; pornea. It was intended to drastically cut down on the number of divorces by narrowing the grounds to this one specific criteria. All other criteria was invalid and unbiblical. But there was this one.

So, if Jesus allowed divorce, even if for one narrow ground; and if remarriage was accepted as appropriate and not condemned when divorce disolves the marriage; then I don't think Jesus would disqualify a man to be an elder on these grounds. But I do think it would be much tougher to qualify if you are divorced.

Children tend to act out their stress. And if mom and dad are fighting and divorced it's likely that the children could be described as "wild" or "disobedient."

A divorcee would have emotional wounds and scars that would show themselves from time to time. An explosive temper could be a symptom.

Something broke up the marriage. A man constantly fighting is not qualified to be an elder.

Divorce proceedings can be nasty. A greedy man is not qualified to be an elder. Fighting for the house, the kids, the 401k/ira, lake house, business, etc often times is rooted in greed or a desire to "stick it to my ex." Elder material?

Blameless. Not only innocent of charges like these but no cause to even blame, though maybe not even guilty of.

Ultimately, grace covers all of this. If we confess our sins God is faithful to forgive us. If we walk closely with Jesus then he will change us over time and these things that once characterized us will be distant, even forgotten memories. But time has to pass. And a close walk has to be maintained.

We studied the passages and discussed the issues. Our desire is to maintain a very high standard of holiness for our leaders. We cannot lower the bar just to fill the slots.

We will practice grace with one another. I'm always leary of churches and their names. It seems too often churches compensate for something lacking when they name themselves. At Grace, we will practice grace.

See you next week.